Why So Many Women Are Getting The Midlife Ick TRACEY COX Reveals Why Youre Suddenly Fed Up With Everything From Your Husband To Your Job

It hits you out of the blue.

You can’t remember the last time you had a belly laugh. You look at your partner and feel irritation not desire. Your job feels tedious: the excitement has gone, and drudgery is in its place.

One thought is on repeat in your head: Is this all there is?

Welcome to the midlife ‘ick’: the moment when women who’ve slogged to achieve the best for themselves and their families start to feel furious, exhausted and overwhelmed.

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For females, the midlife crisis is less about red sports cars and younger women, and an internal wobble that sneaks up between 40 and 50 and builds from there.

Men might feel a compulsion to ditch everything and pretend they’re 20 again; for us it’s a feeling of will ANYTHING make me happy?

All sounding horribly familiar?

Here’s why you’re feeling as you are – and how to deal with it.

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The U-Curve

The first thing you need to understand is this.

Studies show life satisfaction starts off high in our teens, dips in middle age, then rises again as we get older.

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Women’s happiness is at its lowest level around age 40, men reach their bottom point at 50.

The good news is, from our mid-50s, everyone’s happiness level climbs steadily to the point where we’re happier in our 80s than we were at 18.

It’s comforting and necessary to know – even if it’s not a solution when you’re feeling like you can’t get through today, let alone the next 40 years.

The second important factor is one in five adults in the UK experience their highest levels of psychological distress during their 40s and 50s.

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You’re juggling too many balls

You’re not imagining it, being a ‘Princess’, over-reacting or simply not coping well with life.

What you’re feeling has very real roots.

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Most 40-plus women are juggling work, caring for ageing parents, managing kids who aren’t kids any – or feeling depressed because they can’t have any.

Mid-life financial and caregiving responsibility peaks at 45, especially for women.

‘In my early 30s, I came home and watched reality TV,’ one 46-year-old woman told me.

‘Now I come home and plan medical appointments for my mum, calm my teenage son who’s struggling with anxiety over the future and try not to argue with my partner who’s as irritable and exhausted as I am. There’s zero fun in our house.’

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There also may be another uninvited visitor in there.

‘Mum, why are you so angry all the time?’

Perimenopause and menopause arrive into our lives like unannounced, chaos-creating intruders.

It’s not just about managing hot flushes. Sleep disruption is rampant: 42 per cent of women aged 40-50 report poor sleep quality related to hormonal changes.

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Our mood dips, the heartiest libido disappears and the happy-go-lucky person we once were morphs into a someone who’s always one heartbeat away from rage.

Sophie, 47, says she didn’t realise how angry she was until one morning she replayed an argument she’d had in bed with her husband the night before that went on for an hour. ‘I feel like I’m going mad! Why am I still upset about something insignificant that happened in 2015?’

You hate the people you once loved

Linda has been with her husband for 22 years. They have two teens. She thought she was happy, then lay in bed one night, staring at the ceiling, thinking, ‘Is this it?’.

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‘Not just one night but every night. I watch my husband sleep and wonder when he stopped being attractive and became middle-aged. We rarely talk about anything but family logistics. He was a safe option for me because I’d craved stability, but I deeply regret choosing that now. I want excitement and blame him for my boredom.’

Linda doesn’t want to leave – but she does want a full life with new experiences and interesting people to discover.

Another woman I spoke to said she’d gone from loving affection from her partner to feeling physically repulsed by it. ‘I keep thinking that if I had money, I’d leave. I don’t because on some level I know there’s nothing wrong with him or my marriage, it’s something happening in me’.

Comparison fatigue

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Social media didn’t invent comparison but it sure as hell supercharged it.

Mid-life makes you compare everything: your body, your career, your relationship, social life. The you feel you’re ‘behind’, the deeper the unease.

When you were in your 20s, you assumed you’d have it all by 35. House. Partner. Brilliant job. Holiday home.

Instead, you’ve got than you bargained for…or less than you’d hoped.

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Lots of women achieve ‘success’ – then realise it’s someone else’s version of how they should lead their life, not their own.

‘Everyone thinks I have an impressive career but it’s all empty boasts – I’m bored and hate everything I do,’ one woman confessed.

Lots of women find having children incredibly stressful and way demanding than they’d envisaged.

‘I love my son, I really do, but after years of putting him first, I finally planned one whole day off at a spa with a girlfriend,’ one young Mum said.

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‘When it came time for me to go, he threw a hissy fit. The babysitter was new and said there was no way she’d be able to calm him down. So, I had to cancel. I rang my friend, waved off the useless babysitter, then went into the bathroom and smashed the mirror to smithereens with a meat tenderiser. My son appeared at the door wide-eyed and even that didn’t detract from how good it felt to destroy something.’

Recognising yourself over and over in these candid quotes?

Don’t despair. There is a way out. Read my tips on how to start finding your way out of this rut

Mid-life isn’t the end of youth; it’s the start of living life on a deeper level that’s truer to yourself.

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Visit traceycox.com for Tracey’s blog, podcast, books and product ranges.