I Love My Husband And Children But All I Do Is Work, Make Dinner And Collapse Into Bed. I Wake Up Tired And Im Exhausted All The Time… Is This All There Is To Life? BEL MOONEY Has The Poignant Answer

Dear Bel,

I’m a married woman in my late forties with two teenage children, and I think I’m having some sort of mid-life crisis. I work full-time, my husband works long hours too, and the rest of our life seems to revolve around ferrying the kids to school, sports and keeping the house running.

Don’t get me wrong, we have exactly the kind of family life I always dreamed of. But I’m exhausted all the time.

My husband is great, and we split the emotional and family load 50/50 but our conversations mostly centre on logistics – who’s picking the kids up, what’s for dinner, the mortgage.

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There’s hardly any time for us as a couple. I love my family but I sometimes catch myself thinking, ‘Is this it? Is this all there is?’ I don’t want to sound ungrateful – but I feel restless, like I’m living someone else’s life.

I wake up tired, go to work, come home, make dinner, help with homework and collapse into bed.

I’ve thought about taking a week off on my own, or just doing something for me. But I have a family who depend on me, and I’m afraid of being selfish.

I don’t want to ruin what I have. I love my husband, I’m proud of my children and know I’m lucky but I feel as though I’ve lost sight of myself. Is it normal to feel this way in mid-life?

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JENNY

I can almost hear the chorus from readers: ‘But that’s exactly how I feel!’ And that’s the most important thing I can share with you today – the awareness that you are far from alone in experiencing this malaise.

In fact your letter brought back vivid memories of the Eighties, when I was in exactly the same position and often found myself craving a sense of meaning and a feeling of peace that my beloved family – and we must be honest – just did not provide.

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The answer to your final question has always eluded me – so how can I possibly answer it? Because I am so much older now and have learned a lot, through periods of elation, exhaustion and great unhappiness. (But I would also be interested to learn from readers how they have coped with the lifestyle you describe and whether they have tips I can pass on in ‘And Finally.’)

It’s important to realise how short this time will seem when your children have left home. It’s a stage in life that you’ll look back on wistfully, I bet.

Another obvious – if important – piece of advice is to carve out time to spoil yourself a little. Yes, I know that’s hard, and back in the day it never, ever occurred to me to have a facial or a massage.

I thought such things self-indulgent – but I was wrong. Four years ago a very wise clinical psychologist emphasised to me the importance of turning the focus inwards instead of outwards, whenever possible. It’s not self-indulgent, she said, to take care of yourself – because it gives you that extra strength that enables you to take care of others. So you and your husband need to factor such times into your weekly routine. If he needs time to go for a run when it’s your turn to do the school run, make sure that’s balanced by you taking time to do something that allows you to relax too. A long bath?

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If you have a weekly timetable pinned up then write down these ‘me-time’ moments too. They aren’t ‘adds’, they are essential.

A night out with girlfriends once a month (say) can give you all the chance to sound off and giggle over a glass of wine. You’ll find you’re all in the same boat and that can be a comfort.

A monthly ‘date night’ is another obvious idea, but that doesn’t make it any less useful. Remember, you are only in this situation of being exhausted but blessed because of the love you felt right at the beginning.

I’m worried I don’t want sex with him

Dear Bel,

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I am not sure whether to call it quits as I am not sexually attracted to the man I am dating. I’ve been dating different people for the past two years – mostly short-term relationships with men who did not want anything serious.

I’ve been hurt in the past and have told the current man that I don’t want to have sex early until we know each other better because of times where the man has disappeared afterwards.

I want to make sure we both want a relationship with each other before sex.

He is kind, caring and ambitious. But I’m worried it’s selfish of me to continue dating someone I don’t feel sexually attracted to.

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He asked me early on if I found him attractive and I said yes.

I am tired of dating and do not want to put myself out there to meet other people and face again the constant cycle of uncertainty and rejection.

Abstaining from sex so far with the new man has enabled me to keep a clear head and not fall for him. Should I end it?

CHRISSIE

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It’s always a good experiment to flip a problem – so I want you to imagine that the man you are dating has written this email.

Change the sex all the way through. Do you see what I mean?

Then imagine how you would feel to know he is not attracted to you sexually but is continuing with a platonic relationship because, in truth, he’s tired of dating and has nothing better to do.

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It wouldn’t be very nice, would it?

By continuing, you are acting in bad faith, and you wouldn’t like that done to you.

You’ve told him you are holding off from consummating the relationship for perfectly sensible reasons, and yet you aren’t being honest.

You just don’t fancy him. Of course, it could be that you gradually came to change those feelings, if the sex turned out to be especially good. You never know.

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On the other hand, if you go to bed with a man for dishonest reasons it hardly augurs well for the future.

Over years sexual arousal can wane, but it has to be there at the beginning. So does honesty.

So I don’t think you can continue to lie. It’s just not fair on either of you.

‘Partner’ hijacked my dad’s funeral

Dear Bel,

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My 95-year-old father passed away last Monday. The morning after his ‘partner’ presented me with his alleged funeral wishes which states she has total control.

I’m concerned that none of the documents are witnessed and that after ‘V…. to make all the arrangements according to wishes’ there is a tippexed out section stating ‘and approval with his daughters’.

There is a note on the file at the funeral directors stating that if his daughters make contact, they should be referred to his solicitors.

She has also written a eulogy (in 2022) as apparently dictated by my father. My understanding is that a eulogy is written with the family and celebrant. I’ve just received an email from her telling me when my dad’s funeral is. What can I do?

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YESTERDAY

I’m so sorry to read of the death of your father and hope you and your two sisters will be able to give each other support. Your father had a long life and (I’ve read the perfectly pleasant eulogy you attached) it sounds as if he found contentment and took delight in his children and grandchildren.

But your email has worried me a lot because – please forgive my bluntness – it seems to me you are displacing grief into resentment against things you can do nothing about. And it’s a very bad, and sad, idea.

Sadly, it’s common for adult children to resent their father’s partner and the fact that she seems to have taken the place of the mother they still mourn.

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You still reject her presence (those scornful quotation marks are so telling) in his life and now feel angry that she appears to have taken over his funeral arrangements.

But Eileen, none of this will bring him back, will it? There are no rules about eulogies, and the arrangements for his funeral are perfectly simple.

What else would you wish for? Being angry with his partner will only make you bitter – which is surely the last thing your father would want.

You should banish anger and allow grief. Sit with your sisters and remember happy times.

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Your father’s partner is full of sorrow, as you are – and you need to allow the sharing of grief to be a balm for your hearts. Please.

Seeing the good… when you feel bad

The best laid plans… I signed off the week before last because we were about to go on holiday to Vienna, our only break this year.

What would you know… but we both got ill. First my husband’s dry cough, nausea and tiredness (so unlike him) closely followed by me feeling exactly the same, but in spades. By the time we got home we were both convinced it was Covid – but tests were negative.

Finally I got an emergency appointment at the GP who diagnosed my old nemesis, bronchitis. It’s hit me like a ten ton truck.

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So, to cheer myself up, I’m having to play the old ‘bad news/good news’ game.

The bad news was getting ill in one of the finest cities in Europe; the good news was being in the presence of wonderful works of art (especially Bruegel and Klimt) before the dreaded lurgy struck.

The bad news was losing my appetite completely at the end of the holiday and then at home; the good news is having lost at least six pounds from my middle – that process also helped by me not wanting to drink my favourite Austrian wines.

The bad news was having to leave our fine front stalls seats at the Vienna Opera House during the interval of Mozart’s Cosi fan tutte because I could no longer contain my cough. It would not have been fair on others to stay, but what a waste of money!

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The good news is that, starting last night, we have the Bath Mozartfest all next week in my favourite city in the world – and it’s just five miles from our house.

We have a feast of wonderful music ahead, so why not get some tickets online and join us? No planes to catch – and if you say hello I’ll buy you a glass of wine!