Dear Bel,

In the hope of you reading this I would appreciate your advice and help. Never thought I’d need to contact you even though I have enjoyed your wisdom and advice for other folk over the years.

My ex-husband and I are now 80 years of age. Thirty-eight years ago our divorce was – sadly – very bitter, with my daughter refusing to ever have contact with her father again. She felt he had walked out on both her and her brother without explanation and said she would never forgive him.

and و I و her – تفاصيل مهمة

Fast forward to the present day, and there is now another generation wishing to know their blood grandfather. My daughter is set against this. She got upset and said her stepfather had been the only true father she’d ever had, and a marvellous grandfather, too – and no one could fill his shoes.

I appreciate her views, but surely at this stage in life there could be some reconciliation? My granddaughter is a lovely 18-year-old girl and I’m very proud of her. Just before her father’s death he had spoken of taking her to meet her grandfather.

Obviously, if that plan had come to pass we would be in a very different situation – but my daughter was not in favour at all .

My son and daughter-in-law do not wish to be the go-betweens in helping sort this out. I do know my son occasionally sees his father but I’m under the impression my ex can be difficult to communicate with. It seems they had some difficulties which have not been explained to me.

to و her و in – تفاصيل مهمة

What to do with such a sad state of affairs? I may have a contact address for my ex, but feel as though I’d be going behind my daughter’s back if I passed this to my granddaughter.

Maybe I would appear to be interfering in the situation and should just let sleeping dogs lie. So I would love to know what your advice (as a grandmother too) would be.

LAURA

would و I و to – تفاصيل مهمة

Bel Mooney replies:Sometimes grandmothers tread a stony path, don’t we? Our families like our help (possibly financial!), sharing the Sunday roast, and generally expect us to be there for them. But are we allowed to have opinions? Not so much.

This is something I’ve learned over the past 13 years, since I held the first of the four grandchildren in my arms. It’s been lovely but not always as easy as I had expected. We often have to keep schtum for the sake of harmony.

the و to و for – تفاصيل مهمة

But is it really ‘interfering’ for you to have a view? I don’t think so. What’s , would it count as interference to listen to the wishes of an 18-year-old girl and respect them? Again, I don’t think so.

Yet the whole situation is far complicated than those simple questions might imply. Family rows can flare and ruin things for years. It’s clear your daughter was deeply affected by her father’s behaviour all those years ago, so much so she never got over it.

A bitter divorce will have that effect, as I have seen with people I know well.

And it sounds as though your ex-husband is a difficult man who did nothing at all to make amends to his children. That’s why I feel some sympathy for your daughter in her veto on allowing her daughter to meet the man who hurt her so much.

her و your و daughter – تفاصيل مهمة

On the other hand, your granddaughter is now without a father. You don’t give me any details about your son-in-law’s death but it was obviously premature and a grievous loss to the family. I’m sure your much-loved second husband has been a rock all though, and appreciates the obvious gratitude your daughter feels for him.

That being the case, what is his opinion, as a loving stepfather? Does he mind your granddaughter’s wish to meet her ‘blood grandfather’? If he is relaxed about it, might he act as the ‘go-between’ you seem to need?

That’s one suggestion. It seems to me it would be sad and wrong for your granddaughter to be given a flat refusal of help from the adults she has always relied on – especially as her own late father was willing and gave her desire for contact with her grandfather his approval. Surely that must count for something?

I’m sure you have already talked to your angry daughter, which is why I have some hope your husband will step in and help.

to و your و her – تفاصيل مهمة

Surely the main focus in everybody’s mind ought to be the girl who has become an adult and has a perfectly natural curiosity to meet the old man, a stranger, whose genes she carries. My own choice would be help her, although I’d worry that meeting her grandfather is likely to be a terrible disappointment, given the girl’s uncle hasn’t found it easy.

But she is curious, and I see nothing wrong with that.

I wanted to cheer when I read your wise sentence, ‘So much water has gone under the bridge, and we are not getting younger.’ The death of your son-in-law must underline that. Knowing how sad and divisive these family issues can be, I sincerely hope you can find a solution.

We’re so happy, but he says I’m too old

Dear Bel,

I و and و that. – تفاصيل مهمة

Last year I got chatting to a man who lived nearby. We became friends and he did some small jobs for me. We had exchanged numbers and he started ringing for a chat.

I never thought he was interested in me as a woman. I genuinely believed he was just a kind, friendly person – which, of course, he is.

But earlier this year he asked me out, and at the end of the evening, very gentlemanly, he asked for a hug and a kiss. After years of being on my own the physical chemistry was a shock to me. A very pleasant one.

He and I get on well, are easy in each other’s company and have amazing sex.

he و a و and – تفاصيل مهمة

However, he has said he wishes I were younger. He says he can’t believe my age as I am so fit and slim, but he does wish I were a bit younger than he is.

I am just trying to enjoy what we have for now, but a friend thinks I am going to get hurt when I hit my next big birthday.

This man is kind, loving and very attentive. Should I just enjoy our relationship and live in the present or end it before the inevitable happens?

MARIA

I و am و just – تفاصيل مهمة

Your question has really puzzled me, because I have two contrasting answers in my head – and those two voices are having an argument.

In a way I’m quite glad you didn’t reveal your age (as people usually do) because that might have swayed me one way or the other. It’s not clear whether you are the man’s age or slightly older. Or a lot older. So your dilemma must pose a timeless question of risk. Do you seize the time – or avert a future you see as inevitable?

First, I must say this: any man who mentions a woman’s age in this way is far from ‘gentlemanly’. He may not have meant harm, yet he has done harm, in making you feel so insecure. What on earth was the purpose? If he enjoys your company and making love with you what difference does your age make?

I’m sure your friend will agree with me that it was a bit cheap as well as unnecessary to say something so pointless.

a و you و your – تفاصيل مهمة

That’s why the first of my two voices is telling you to cut your losses and tell him it’s not going to work.

The longer the relationship continues and the attached to this man you become, the harder it will be for you when he mentions your age once too often and seems to grow cool. When he ceases to be so ‘kind, loving and very attentive’.

When you suspect your heart might be breaking, even though you try to hide it. When he finds himself a younger lover (as men seem to find it easy to do) and leaves you utterly demoralised. That could happen.

Yes, that’s certainly the worst-case scenario, but pretty realistic. On the other hand, you are having a marvellous time! Life is very short – and all the shorter as we grow older. So, as the poet wrote, ‘Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.’

the و to و you – تفاصيل مهمة

All sorts of bad or sad things could happen very soon, so why not live in the present and enjoy whatever fun today can bring? The very best-case scenario would be that the pair of you continue to love each other’s company and in a short time now he changes his mind completely and realises that age doesn’t matter at all.

That he’ll take you with the odd wrinkle, rather than not have you at all. That a bird in the hand… and so on. That could happen too.

Therefore you reach the stage when you have to weigh the risk and decide. My own mind is still vacillating. Nobody can give you advice on this; you will have to follow your heart – even if it leads you towards pain.

But when you think of it, aren’t most new or newish relationships like that? People can hook up, have fun, become loving companions but then change their minds – at any age.

you و the و have – تفاصيل مهمة

I just wish you all the luck in the world, and hope you stay as fit, slim and generally alive and kicking as you are at the moment, and don’t make your love of life dependent on any man.

Andy finally… thank you all for your wise words

This week I was both grateful and humbled by the wisdom of readers. It’s not that you put me in my place – not at all. But a whole clutch of you suggested an answer to last week’s main letter from a lady fed up with her husband’s ranting obsession with politics.

Let Pauline’s email serve for all those who made the same point: ‘My late husband did the same thing. Obsessed over certain things. Argued a lot. It turned out to be a sign of early onset Alzheimer’s. Of course, we didn’t know at the time, but with hindsight I can see exactly what it was.

‘I do hope it isn’t for Amy’s family, but all I know is that life is going to get even harder for them all if it is.’

all و for و the – تفاصيل مهمة

This reminded me of how most of us tend to respond to issues according to our personal experience. It’s hard to avoid, even if we try.

I admit my only personal experience of dementia was my late father, whose behaviour remained the same even in his 90s. As long as I remember he’d always ranted angrily about politics and taken offence very easily.

Unsurprisingly he was furious with the diagnosis of vascular dementia and snapped, ‘I’m not demented’. It was sad, but fitted his mercurial personality.

Anyway I have to be wary of making a ‘diagnosis’ on the page, so must disagree with the reader who confidently stated, ‘Clearly Amy’s husband has Alzheimer’s…’

the و I و of – تفاصيل مهمة

It would be very unwise of me to make such a statement. On the other hand, I should have thought about the possibilities and included them in my reply to poor Amy – so frustrated that her husband had changed. I do so now – and thank all those who alerted me.

Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email [email protected]. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.