How To Tell If A Man Is Using Therapy Speak To Manipulate You If He Says Any Of These 15 Toxic Phrases, Run For The Hills… Ill Tell You What He REALLY Means JANA HOCKING

A couple of months ago, I went on a date with a man who, on paper, seemed like the poster boy for emotional maturity.

He had a therapist (be still my beating heart!), he journalled, he meditated every morning, and he listened to podcasts that weren’t hosted by Joe Rogan. He even brought up the phrase ‘secure attachment’, which felt like a promising sign.

By our second date he was talking about how he was ‘so ready to meet someone who matched his growth’. I’ll admit, I was impressed. I thought to myself, ‘Finally, a man who’s done the work. A man who has evolved beyond the emotional capacity of a house plant.’

I started calling him my ‘unicorn’. A man so unique, it was hard to believe he was real.

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Then, a few weeks into it, I texted him asking if he wanted to grab dinner on the weekend. Nothing intense or clingy. Just a casual, ‘Thursday or Friday work for you?’

His reply left me thinking ‘WTF?!’

It said, ‘I’m not sure I have the capacity to hold space for plans right now.’

Excuse me. What in the Meghan Markle word salad is this?

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For a hot second, I questioned myself. Had I asked too much?

I offered a supportive reply – ‘No stress, we can pick another night’ – and he responded with something baffling about not wanting to ‘fall into old patterns’.

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I’m not going to lie, all this woo-woo therapy talk was beginning to give me the ick.

And then… he disappeared. But not a full ghosting. Instead, he continued to watch – and like – every Instagram story I posted like he was my biggest fan.

A week later, he texted me. He really liked me – but he neededto step back from anything that felt too ‘expansive’.Expansive. As in… dinner?

I realised, in that moment, that I was not dating an emotionally mature man. I was dating a walking set of therapy flashcards.

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A man who had memorised the language of healing, but none of the substance.

And that’s when it dawned on me: the ‘Love Bomber’ is so 2024. Now, we need to look out for the ‘Therapy Boy’: the male fluent in nervous systems, ‘inner children’ and chakra alignments, yet incapable of replying like a human being to a simple text.

And, as a woman, I can’t help but feel partially responsible.

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For years, we have begged men to go to therapy and sort themselves out. In fact, one of my favourite sayings last year was, ‘Men: we don’t want to see your bank account receipts – we want to see your therapy receipts.’

Oh, how I thought I was Gandhi every time I saidthatduring a long lunch with the girls. I felt enlightened. Smugly evolved. Like I’d cracked the code.

But of course, a particular breed of man figured out how to weaponise that too.

You may have met him already: he sounds emotionally evolved and looks like the poster child for self-awareness. Yet somehow, after every conversation, you walk away feeling like the bad guy, simply for asking for the bare minimum.

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We wanted them to communicate, but we didn’t expect that some of them would use all that new emotional language as a dating strategy – or a manipulation tactic.

As therapist Esther Perel famously warned: ‘When people weaponise the language of therapy, it becomes a shield against responsibility.’

In other words, a man who sounds healed usually isn’t healed. In fact, he may well be the opposite – damaged and dangerous.

So here are the 15 phrases that should make any sane woman make a hasty exit:

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1. ‘I just don’t have the capacity right now.’

Translation: I have the capacity for everything but treating you properly. You, specifically, drain my capacity.

2. ‘I need to honour/regulate/respect my nervous system.’

Translation: I don’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation, so I’m blaming my ‘nervous system’ instead of admitting I’m avoiding you.

3. ‘My inner child is activated/triggered.’

Translation: I’m about to make my bad behaviour your emotional responsibility. Prepare to adopt my inner child.

4. ‘I’m terrified of repeating old patterns.’

Translation: I have every intention of repeating old patterns.

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5. ‘I need to protect my peace.’

Translation: I need to block out anything that resembles accountability.

6. ‘You’re projecting.’

Translation: You’ve caught me out and I need to turn it back on you immediately.

7. ‘This is bringing up abandonment wounds for me.’

Translation: I’m about to disappear for 72 hours and call it ‘healing’.

8. ‘I want to align with my highest self.’

Translation: N/A. This one is literally meaningless.

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9. ‘I want to show up for you… just not like this.’

Translation: I want girlfriend privileges without girlfriend responsibilities.

10. ‘I’m doing the work.’

Translation: I once listened to a podcast hosted by a bodybuilder.

11. ‘I’m being radically honest.’

Translation: I’m about to say something unnecessarily cruel.

12. ‘I’m honouring my boundaries.’

Translation: My ‘boundaries’ apply to everything you want, but none of the things I want.

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13. ‘I can’t be your emotional support right now.’

Translation: …I expect you to be mine though.

14. ‘I’m uncoupling from old patterns.’

Translation: I’m breaking up with you but want to sound like Gwyneth Paltrow.

15. ‘I don’t feel safe.’

Translation: You asked a basic question about our relationship and I’m now making it sound like a trauma response.

Now to be fair, there are emotionally intelligent men out there, who use their words properly and are great communicators.

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But when a man uses it as a smokescreen to hide bad behaviour, our Spidey senses should start to take note.

Chatting to a friend about my new discovery, she agreed and told me she once dated a guy who told her he needed to ‘check in with his body’ before committing to their upcoming romantic weekend away. She thought it was deep. It turned out his body ‘checked into’ another woman’s apartment that weekend.

That’s the thing about Therapy Boys. They sound evolved, but their actions are usually the opposite. They will talk endlessly about communication while refusing to tell you anything of substance. They will speak beautifully about boundaries while violating every one of yours. They’ll tell you they’re ‘doing the work’ while leaving you to do the emotional heavy lifting.

So how do you spot one?

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He may well tell you he recently went on an ‘Ayahuasca journey’. In plain English, this means he flew overseas to take illegal psychedelics, vomited into a bucket for six hours, and decided it made him enlightened.

He’ll also have memorised a list of terms he picked up from TikTok – and maybe even a men’s circle in Byron Bay.

So if a guy you’re dating starts speaking like a wellness retreat brochure, pay attention to his behaviour, not the vocabulary. Just look at whether his actions match his monologues.

If they don’t, you’ve met a Therapy Boy. And he’s going to gaslight the hell out of you – if he doesn’t bore you to death with his ridiculous jargon.

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