Dear Jane,

My best friend is getting married and just sent out her invitations. But instead of being happy for her, I feel insulted by the whole thing.

I have been with my partner for a decade – we own a home and multiple pets together – but we have no intention of tying the knot any time soon, if at all.

Over the years, of course, he has become a part of my friend group, always invited to every party, birthday and dinner.

That’s why it came as such a shock that he was snubbed by my best friend for her wedding. The invite, addressed to only me, read: ‘No plus ones.’

I thought surely there must be a mistake. But, when I called her to plead his case, she bluntly told me that they were only offering plus ones to couples who are married.

Not only has the bride been friends with my boyfriend for the last 10 years, we’ve been dating for so long that we’re practically married – heck, we’ve been together longer than the bride and groom!

So it all feels awfully insulting.

Clearly, my friend doesn’t view a relationship as serious unless there is a ring on the finger, but there are plenty of couples who don’t need legal paperwork to prove their love.

I’m so upset I’m considering not attending – and I can’t see how either my boyfriend or I could be comfortable around her after this.

But is it worth ruining a friendship over?

Sincerely,

Feeling Slighted

Dear Feeling Slighted,

Today, so many people create their own version of family, and from your perspective, a piece of paper doesn’t make your relationship any less legitimate.

So, not including your partner of a decade must feel like your best friend is somehow dismissing or invalidating your relationship.

The fact that he is also a large part of your social life makes her decision not only confusing, but disrespectful.

All this to say, you are absolutely correct in how you feel.

While your friend has the right to set boundaries around her own wedding, so do you.

What you are hearing is that your best friend doesn’t think your relationship is valid, and you now get to choose whether or not you want to be part of her event.

Should you decide not to go, it’s not about punishing your friend, but about your own self-respect. And, it’s important to tell your friend why you have made that choice, and how she has hurt you by not including your partner.

She may have no idea that she hurt you, and it’s vital you let her know in the service of your friendship, irrespective of whether or not it survives.

The best friendships navigate these bumps in the road with clarity and clear communication, and emerge stronger.

But when navigating these obstacles is impossible – like when one person refuses to acknowledge their part in causing pain – it’s usually a sign that your values are not aligned.

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Three brutal words in my best friend’s wedding invite cut like a knife. It was the ultimate insult: DEAR JANE