Once upon a time, a parent’s biggest fear was their child becoming sexually active too early in life and ending up as a teenage parent.

Now? It’s that their twenty-something offspring aren’t having sex at all.

According to the British National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyle, people in their 20s are having less sex than any generation before them.

One in five people in the UK aged 18-24 have never have sex and many of those who have, do so infrequently.

We live in an era of unprecedented sexual freedom, yet we’re experiencing a drought.

Nobody is more baffled than the parents who grew up in the liberal 60s and 70s whose children are now shunning intimate partners.

When Jane, 56, found out her 25-year-old daughter was still a virgin, she was so stunned she thought she’d misheard.

‘She’s beautiful, bright, funny, has everything going for her – but she’s never even had a boyfriend,’ Jane says, noting how her own 20s were a time for sexual exploration and fun.

‘I thought about it all the time,’ she said. ‘I worry she’s missing out on life.’

Gary, 45, can’t understand why his 23-year-old son – handsome, sociable, clever – is also still a virgin.

‘We were insatiable. You’d go out, get drunk, pull someone, have sex and maybe call them again if you remembered their name. It wasn’t romantic but it was exciting. We were all at it.

‘I’ve tried not to pry and ask why my son hasn’t shown interest in anyone, but I find it weird. I even asked if he was gay, but he said no. I just don’t get it. How can you not want sex at that age?’

Having had a roaring libido from a very early age, personally, I can echo that.

But sex then and sex now are two totally different beasts. Sex used to be something you did; now it’s something you overthink.

Why young people are saying no to sex

Porn and performance anxiety is one factor stopping young people from jumping into bed. Today’s young adults have grown up with hardcore porn as sex education.

It’s intimidating. Many young adults have told me they’re terrified they’ll ‘do it wrong’ or won’t measure up – literally and figuratively – to what they’ve seen online.

When I lost my virginity (at 16, if you’re curious), I’d never seen anyone have sex so had nothing to judge my first time against.

I was also (like most people of my generation) a little bit drunk.

A growing number of young people, particularly Gen Z, don’t drink alcohol. They are also the generation with the highest rates of non-drinkers in recent history: about one third of 18-24 year olds abstain.

On top of this add anxiety and depression: both are soaring among the under-30s. It’s hard to feel sexy when you’re anxious and antidepressants suppress any desire you might have had.

The rise of the ‘accidental’ virgin

‘It’s not that I don’t want sex, I just don’t know where to start,’ says Ella, 22. She says she’s ‘half accidentally’ still a virgin.

‘I thought I’d lose it at uni, but then COVID happened and I moved back home. Since then, I’ve dated a bit, but it’s always fizzled out before we got that far.’

She insists she’s not ashamed – but she does feel out of sync with some of her friends.

‘They talk about sex so casually. I just nod along and hope they don’t ask questions. The longer I leave it, the more of a big deal it becomes. I don’t know whether to admit upfront I’m a virgin. Is that a big turn off? But I’m not sure I’d want to be with someone who found it a turn on, either.’

Here’s the other problem – with the rise of adult virgins: society might whisper about it, but they don’t talk about it with each other.

Ella doesn’t dare admit she’s a virgin to her friends and neither did any of the other virgins I spoke to. They’re all aware they aren’t the only ones but aren’t willing to put out feelers to find a kindred spirit.

Ben, 26, was one of the few men who agreed to tell me about his experience. He says he’s also a virgin by accident not design.

‘I’m not religious or asexual, it just never happened,’ he said. ‘At first, it was by choice – I wanted it to be special. But now I’m self-conscious that I’m still a virgin and that puts me off dating.

Both my parents slept around a lot while they were young and boast about it. They talk about their conquests with such disrespect. It was all about the sex not the person. I don’t want to be like them.’

It’s not prudishness – it’s fear

Parents spent decades warning their kids about STIs, pregnancy and predatory partners. The result? A generation that’s hyperaware of risks.

We wanted them to have safe sex – but not no sex at all.

Online exposure to airbrushed bodies that don’t look anything like their own and an almost too relaxed view of diversity also hasn’t helped.

‘My son went to a school in Brighton where there were about 20 choices of how they wanted to identify sexually,’ one mother told me.

‘I’m all for choice because I’m a lesbian but my son was so confused and alarmed at all the choices, he’s decided not to go there at all.

‘Young people are under pressure to define their sexuality, preferences and boundaries before they’ve even had sex. No wonder they’re all thinking, “Too hard. I’ll watch Netflix instead”.’

‘Strange, isn’t it,’ said another parent, ‘We fought for sexual freedom, only for our kids to opt out of enjoying it. But maybe this is the natural correction after decades of sexual excess.

Maybe when they finally do have sex, it’ll be with more care and connection than we ever managed.’

The truth is there’s nothing wrong with being a 24-year-old virgin any more than there’s something wrong about having lots of sex at 18.

The issue isn’t the number, it’s what choice feels right for them.

So, if your son or daughter isn’t having sex, don’t panic.

Waiting until they’re genuinely ready is far healthier than sleeping with the wrong person out of pressure or curiosity.

You’ll find Tracey’s blog, podcast details, books and product lines at traceycox.com.