Why So Many Midlife Women Are Looking To Divorce

For 25 years, I’ve been a psychotherapist, and for the past 15, I have specialised in break-ups and divorce. You might be ­surprised to hear that around 70 per cent of my clients are men.

Typically aged between 40 and 60, they come to me utterly blindsided by the fact their wives have asked for a divorce. I see them slumped in the chair opposite me, grey with shock, their hands shaking as they tell me their wife has dropped the bombshell.

They are struggling with grief, massive heartbreak and a real fear they are going to end up in a lonely one-bedroom flat with no relationship with their children.

Until this seismic moment, they – wrongly – believed they had their whole future planned out. They have worked hard, got a good ­pension, a lovely house, paid off the mortgage – and then this.

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Overnight, they appear to be losing their future, and they never even saw it coming.

Today than 60 per cent of all divorces in the UK are initiated by women, and the vast majority are in their 40s, 50s and 60s. While divorce is declining among other age groups, so-called ‘grey divorce’ rates are still going up.

At the heart of these statistics is a fundamental mismatch between men and women as they enter their later years. At a basic level, your feelings about your life together at this stage are quite likely to be out of sync. You think you know what’s going through your partner’s head… but in my experience you’re probably wrong.

In fact, perhaps we wouldn’t be heading to the solicitor’s office quite so readily if we only understood one another better.

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Read on for the biggest areas of confusion and delusion I see in my office – and how you can save your marriage by understanding each other’s very different midlife mindsets…

You see midlife as an opportunity… but he feels betrayed

A man’s formative memories of women in midlife are shaped by their mother and so many men expect that a midlife woman is going to look after them.

If everyone is on the same page, that’s fine – but increasingly women see the empty nest period as a chance to reinvent themselves.

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As a result, many men experience a sense of abandonment and fear that they’re going to get rejected because they’re not good enough for this shiny, new wife.

You believe he’s got zero emotional intelligence… but he’s afraid to talk to you

In order for men to talk about their feelings, they need to feel that they have a safe space to do it. And he won’t open up if he thinks he’s being judged.

The ‘useless man’ trope has become increasingly prevalent in today’s culture and it’s something that rubs off on us all if we’re not careful. Be honest with yourself, are you thinking, ‘he’s a man so therefore he’s an idiot?’ If so, it’s likely that the way you talk to him reflects that. You have to take personal responsibility for your communication.

Again, it’s about how you communicate and resisting the urge to shout about who is the tired or whose fault it is you missed the bin collection.

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Of course, many wives feel exhausted after years of carrying the mental load, but you can either wallow in that resentment or find a constructive way to allow your ­husband space to confide in you and consequently share the load.

Try saying something like, ‘I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I can see you are too’, and watch the difference it makes to how much he is willing to say and do.

You think he’s grumpy… but he’s depressed

It’s easy to assume that a man who is getting up and going to work and generally functioning normally isn’t depressed, but actually I see increasing numbers of hard-working men who are very low.

It can be hard to spot the ­difference between a grumpy, ­middle-aged man and one who is genuinely depressed. But a happy, healthy human being is usually learning and developing themselves in some way. They feel they have choices. They’re often doing ­something that feels worthwhile and fun each week.

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For a lot of men work isn’t enough to feel a sense of purpose and, after retirement, this can be even acute. If your husband appears to be disconnecting, resist the urge to offer him solutions because he’ll only reject them – that’s often what depressed people do.

Instead, ask ‘how are you feeling? You’re looking a bit sad, and I wondered if you wanted to talk about it’. It’s what you’d do with a female friend.

Encouraging a man to rediscover his own interests is not about letting him escape family life. It’s about helping him reconnect with purpose. Men who throw themselves into something meaningful – learning, creating or exploring a new interest – are likely to grow alongside you rather than apart from you.

Supporting him to find something that genuinely lights him up helps him regain his sense of self. A hobby is than a distraction. It gives him confidence, perspective and space to think. Over time, that growth strengthens the relationship because both partners are moving forward, not standing still.

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You think he doesn’t love you… but he thinks love is what he does, not what he says

Every couple speaks their own version of love. For some, it is words and affection. For others, it is time, touch or quiet acts of care. The problem comes when two people are speaking different languages without realising it.

You might crave conversation, reassurance and small moments of intimacy. He may believe that fixing the broken tap, washing your car or keeping the outside light on when you get home late says ‘I love you’ clearly than any words could.

When love languages clash, both partners can end up feeling unappreciated.

You think he never says how he feels. He thinks you never notice all the things he does. The truth is that you are both giving love, just in different ways.

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Try naming what you see. You might say: ‘I know you show love by doing things for me, and that means a lot, but I also need to hear it sometimes’.

Small acknowledgements like this can transform the atmosphere between you. When you start speaking each other’s love language, you stop competing and start connecting. That is what keeps couples aligned and helps them face life as a team.

You’re fed up with him not pulling his weight… but he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong

Women initiate than 63 per cent of divorces, according to the latest 2021 figures from the Office for National Statistics. How can a man be so mentally detached from what’s happening in his home, you might wonder? The simple answer is that if he’s being blamed for everything, he becomes defensive and that immediately leads to arguments.

When we end up in an argument, we’re incapable of rationally processing information because we have an emotional response to being attacked.

So all he’s hearing is a barrage of criticism and shaming and blaming, not actually what the problem is.

It comes down to the language you use. Instead of berating him – ‘Can’t you see the kitchen is a mess?’ – try saying, ‘I’m unhappy because I feel the responsibility for running the home should belong to both of us. And I’d like to talk to you about how we can make that work better.’

It’s a much gentler approach than accusing him of not pulling his weight and is likely to prompt a rational conversation rather than an unproductive fight.

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You think he cares about work than you… but he’s terrified of disappointing you

Have you been withholding your appreciation of him because you’re feeling unappreciated yourself?

So often women say, ‘why should I appreciate him? He did this thing once and it needs to be done every day’.

But, if a man is not receiving praise, then his self-worth is going to plummet until he feels like nothing but a failure.

It’s why a lot of men become workaholics or have affairs – these are other areas of their lives where they can feel ‘successful’. Your attitude to gratitude is so important. I often hear men say: ‘I cannot do anything right at home, so I throw myself into work instead.’

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You think he had an affair because he wants sex… but he’s craving a cuddle, not an orgasm

People wrongly believe that men just want physical sex, and women are emotionally connected to sex. It’s not true.

Men need cuddles. Just like boys today, your husband probably stopped being touched in a nurturing way after the age of about six and they desperately miss that warm connection.

I’ve spoken to many sex workers who say the majority of their clients don’t come for sex, they come for conversation, to be listened to and held.

Having an affair might equally be a cry for physical and emotional connection that he’s not getting at home.

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And why he’ll never divorce you… because it’s a much bigger risk for a man

Firstly, it would place them outside of a relationship and men have been raised to believe that they thrive in a relationship than when they’re single.

Plus, men tend to be financially dominant, have savings and are likely to have higher earnings with bigger pensions.

As a result, from an economic point of view, men are far less likely to jeopardise their financial security by instigating a divorce settlement.

So before you write him off as a lost cause, remember beneath the silence is usually a man terrified of losing the life he thought he was building with you.

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As told to Jade Beer

Conversations at the Shoreline: Dare to Speak: Navigate Life’s Toughest Conversations with Confidence & Clarity by Eve Stanway is out now, £13.57evestanway.co.uk