Research published in International Journal of Behavioral Development, showed that parents’ striving for excellence can have a noticeable impact on their children’s social skills. Scientists in Hong Kong have found that the way adults set standards for themselves and their children influences a child’s ability to forgive – and through this, their ability to build relationships with other people.

How Parental Expectations Shape Emotional Habits

A team led by Sum Kwing Chung studied families with preschool-aged children to understand how parental perfectionism affects the development of their offspring. The study involved 226 children in their first year of kindergarten and their parents. The average age of the children was just under four years, and the majority of families were from Hong Kong’s ethnic Chinese population.

Scientists have distinguished two types of parental perfectionism:

• The first is “aspiration,” where parents encourage high standards but do so in a constructive, supportive way.
• The second is “apprehension,” where the focus is on mistakes, criticism, and fear of failure. As it turned out, these attitudes lead to diametrically opposite consequences.

Forgiveness as a Bridge to Communication

The ability to forgive turned out to be a central element of the study.Children whose parents encouraged high standards, but without undue pressure, were likely to forgive—moved faster towards reconciliation,conceded in disputes, showed sympathy. After just six months, their communication skills significantly improved: they shared easily, collaborated, and understood others better.

But in families where parents worry too much about mistakes and often criticize, childrenon the contrary, they were less likely to be able to forgive.It was difficult for them to make peace after quarrels and find a common language with others – both with peers and with adults.

“Our findings show that parents’ type of perfectionism directly influences children’s emotional reactions,” explains Sum Kwing Chung.

Scientists note that the influence of parental attitudes was not direct, but indirect. It was the ability to forgive that became the “transmission mechanism” between parenting style and social development. Thus, children learned to interact with others not just through rules of behavior, but through emotional models learned in the family.

Why is this important at an early age?

Forgiveness, the authors say, is not just a virtue. It is a complex emotional-cognitive ability that requires understanding the feelings of others and controlling one’s own emotions. Developing forgiveness helps children maintain relationships, avoid aggression, and learn empathy.This means that this skill plays a key role in the formation of emotional intelligence and psychological stability.

Modern children are faced with a shortage of face-to-face communication: they spend and time on the Internet and less time playing together. Therefore, the role of the family as an environment where basic interaction skills are formed becomes even significant. When parents demonstrate respect, consideration, and the ability to admit mistakes, children adopt these behaviors.

How was influence measured?

The researchers collected data in three stages, six months apart. At the first stage, parents filled out questionnaires assessing their own level of perfectionism and their children’s relationship-building skills.

After six months, the child’s ability to forgive was assessed, and after another six months, his social skills were assessed again. The statistical model showed that aspiration perfectionism was associated with increased forgiveness, while fear perfectionism was associated with decreased forgiveness.

Jens Eggers of the University of Bristol, who was not involved in the work, noted:

“The research helps us see how adults’ emotional attitudes bleed into children’s behavior through everyday interactions.”

Conclusions and implications for parents

The results show that it is not the fact of high expectations that is harmful, but the way they are expressed. Constructive standards support a child’s confidence, while intrusive criticism destroys trust and interferes with the development of empathy.

The authors emphasize:

“Our findings indicate that the ways in which parents communicate expectations are critical to the development of emotional maturity.”

They recommend adults learn to speak supportive rather than reproachful language with children, encourage cooperation, and discuss emotions to build a foundation of social skills from an early age.