Look hard enough, and you’ll find someone who specializes in nearly every food or drink out there. Water sommeliers are now doling out annual awards for the best bottles of the most basic beverage, and one man established himself as a Rotisserie Chicken Expert by reviewing every option he could possibly get his hands on. Just in time for your fall grocery trip, I want to tell you there’s also an apple expert who can point you to the very best fruit.

Comedian and writer Brian Frange isn’t an apple sommelier — a title that doesn’t exist outside South Tyrol, Italy — but he’s as close as you can get without an official designation.

Frange is so passionate about apples that he started a Tumblr page, The Appleist, several years agodedicated to reviewing different varieties of the fruit. As his blog became increasingly popular, Frange decided to formalize his apple reviews by creating AppleRankings.comthe ultimate resource for apple enthusiasts everywhere.

On Frange’s website, you’ll find his ranked list of over 70 apples, along with plenty of tongue-in-cheek flourishes, like the subtext beneath the site’s title of “Apple Ranking,” which simply reads, “You’ve been eating trash.” The page detailing how apples are ranked begins by saying, “For decades the apple had been on a relentless descent into the fiery pits of Hell, desperately lurching toward its biblical namesake as ‘Satan’s Fruit.’”

Frange repeatedly emphasizes that his list is a “definitive” ranking and his reviews are “inarguably accurate,” sarcastically acknowledging that these reviews, of course, reflect his subjective taste.

Even if these rankings are influenced by one person’s preferences, it’s clear that the comedian has tasted many more apples than the rest of us, so it might be a good idea to grab his top varieties the next time you spot them at the store.

Which apples are ranked best and worst?

On the Apple Rankings home page, you’ll find the centerpiece of Frange’s work: a detailed list ranking over 70 apple varieties (and he has plenty more to go, considering there are more than 7,500 varieties worldwide).

Each apple on this list is given a score from one to 100, indicating its appeal as a “munching apple,” something you can bite into and enjoy raw. Frange describes a coveted perfect score of 100, which has not yet been achieved, as “the fabled immaculate apple,” while anything between zero and nine points is dubbed “criminal malfeasance.”

Apples are evaluated based on nine qualities: taste, flesh, appearance, crispness, juiciness, branding/consistency, skin, density, and cost/availability.

At the very top of the rankings, you’ll find the near-perfect SweeTango apple with a score of 97. Per Frange, this delicacy is “selectively bred to snap like a sweet piece of celery. This apple, available only in September and October (if we’re lucky) in certain supermarkets, is the best apple ever to grace the world of gods and men.”

Following the SweeTango is an apple many of us know and love, the Honeycrisp, which Frange declares to be a “sweet, snappy savior,” earning it a score of 95. Up next is something a little less expected, the “dangerously tart, Sour Warhead-esque” Kanzi apple.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, with the lowest score so far at 19 points, is the Newton Pippin apple. Although Frange notes that it is good for making cider and was once declared Benjamin Franklin’s favorite apple, he nonetheless describes it as “vomitous filth” and finds the fruit to be tasteless.

Not every apple has to be good at everything

This apple aficionado’s expertise runs deep, and Frange acknowledges that just because a variety isn’t ideal for biting directly into doesn’t mean it can’t have other useful culinary applications.

Head deeper into AppleRankings.comand you’ll find lists ranking the best applesauce apples, baking apples, cider apples, pie apples, sour apples, and yellow apples.

On the list of top cider apples, you’ll find several contenders that didn’t receive a high rating overall, including the Newton Pippin. This is because bitter and tart apples, which might seem nearly inedible when raw, can be invaluable for achieving a balanced flavor in a finished cider.

Honey Crisp and Pink Lady both make an appearance on the list of best baking apples, but the top spot goes to an apple that was rated only a 28 as a “munching apple,” the Rome apple. While it may seem tasteless and dry when fresh, Frange notes that “this undeniable beauty retains its shape and form even when hollowed and baked, developing a richer flavor once cooked.”

Consider this evidence that if you buy an apple and decide you don’t like its flavor, you might still be able to repurpose it into something delicious.