reveals what he wants us all to know about emotional dysregulation, and how parents can deal with it.

Your child is not giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time.

When children become overwhelmed, their behaviour reflects distress, not deliberate misbehaviour. Their nervous system is struggling to cope with big feelings or demands. Viewing behaviour as a sign of need rather than naughtiness helps parents respond with empathy, patience, and support instead of anger or punishment.

Regulation comes before reasoning.

When a child is dysregulated, the part of the brain needed for listening, problem-solving, and learning is not accessible. Trying to reason or explain at this point often makes things worse. Calm connection, reassurance, and soothing help children feel safe by settling their nervous systems. A gentle tone of voice, slow movements, a warm facial expression, and physical closeness (where welcomed) send a message of safety. This reduces stress hormones and allows the thinking part of the brain to come back online.

Your calm is contagious.

Children constantly take emotional cues from the adults around them. When you remain calm, even in the face of big emotions, your child’s nervous system notices and can gradually mirror your steadiness. This doesn’t mean ignoring the child’s feelings, it means showing calm through your voice, body, and breathing. Speak slowly and softly, keep your movements gentle, and maintain open, relaxed body language. Simple actions like taking a slow breath before responding, kneeling to their level, or offering a reassuring hand signal safety. Even if your child resists or continues to feel upset, your calm presence communicates that the world is safe, their feelings are manageable, and someone is there to help. Over time, repeated experiences of this calm modelling teach children to regulate their own emotions effectively.

You don’t need to fix the feeling to support your child.

Strong emotions do not need to be stopped or solved straight away. Allowing feelings and naming them helps children feel understood. Saying, “I can see you’re upset,” shows acceptance. Once the feeling passes, children are open to guidance, reassurance, and problem-solving.

Behaviour is communication.

Children often express unmet needs through behaviour rather than words. Tantrums, withdrawal, or aggression may signal tiredness, hunger, anxiety, or sensory overload. Looking beyond the behaviour to what the child may be communicating helps parents respond thoughtfully and reduces repeated emotional escalations.

It’s okay to set boundaries while staying kind.

Children feel safest when adults provide clear and consistent boundaries. Parents can stop unsafe behaviour without being harsh. Calm statements such as, “I won’t let you hit,” combined with reassurance, help children feel contained, protected, and supported during moments of intense emotion.

Your child learns regulation through you, not from being told.

Children develop emotional regulation by experiencing it with calm, supportive adults. When an adult stays steady during a child’s distress, the child’s nervous system gradually settles through co-regulation. Over time, these repeated experiences are stored in the brain, helping children learn how to calm themselves. This learning happens through relationship and repetition, not through being told what to do. Emotional regulation develops slowly and differently for each child, and it strengthens with consistent, patient support.

Repair matters than perfection.

All parents lose their calm at times. What matters most is returning to the child afterwards to reconnect, explain, or apologise. Repair helps children feel secure and teaches them that relationships can recover from mistakes, thereby modelling emotional responsibility and healthy communication.

Looking after yourself supports your child.

Supporting a dysregulated child can be exhausting and emotionally intense. It’s normal for parents to feel drained, frustrated, or unsure at times. Caring for yourself is not selfish, it is essential. When you get rest, ask for help, or take moments to recharge, you can respond calmly and consistently. Your child learns regulation by experiencing your steadiness, so looking after your own wellbeing directly supports them. Remember, no parent can do everything perfectly and feeling guilty or overwhelmed doesn’t mean you are failing. Prioritising self-care, support networks, and realistic boundaries helps prevent burnout and makes it possible to stay present, patient, and emotionally available for your child over the long term.

And remember, there is no such thing as perfect parenting. Even the most caring, committed parents don’t get it right all the time. What really matters is reflection: noticing what works, repairing when things feel difficult, and being willing to keep learning. Every child is different, and what supports one child may not support another. The reflections above are not rules to follow rigidly, but gentle principles to hold in mind that can support both you and your child during emotionally challenging moments.