My Wife Was Blindsided When I Asked For A Divorce. There Was No Foul Play Or Other Woman But This Is Why I Did It… And The Six Subtle Signs Your Partner Is Planning On Leaving You Too RICHARD WARNER

When I watched my wife Sophia walk down the aisle, I cried tears of happiness and pride. When I said, aged 27, ‘til death do us part’, I meant it with all of my heart.

But 20 years later, I broke my vow. Aged 47, I sat Sophie down and suggested that we’d be happier apart.

There was no foul play, no ‘other woman’. I simply felt that our marriage had changed, that two decades and two teenage sons later we’d become different people – people who no longer made each other happy. To me, divorce was the obvious solution.

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Sophia, however, didn’t see it that way. In fact, she was utterly shocked. As far as she was concerned, there were no problems in our relationship – and certainly none that should make us contemplate a split.

Now it was my turn to be shocked. Because, to me, the writing had been on the wall for years.

Here’s exactly why I wanted out of my marriage – and the subtle signs Sophia missed that showed this was the case. If you recognise any of them in your relationship, then it may be time to take action…

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Aged 47, I sat Sophie down and suggested that we’d be happier apart, writes Richard Warner (picture posed by models)

HE ALWAYS WEARS PYJAMAS TO BED

A waning sex life may seem like an obvious sign of marital strife, but you’d be surprised by how many midlife couples are unknowingly on a completely different page when it comes to sex.

Before we got married, we’d sleep together around three or four times a week. Then, after the boys arrived but before Sophia went back to work, it eventually settled down to around once a week.

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It was about ten years into our marriage that things slid further still, until we were only having sex about once a month. Even then, we both got little enjoyment out of it; her because she was doing it out of obligation than desire, me because I knew full well how she was feeling. There are only so many times your wife can tell you not to touch her hair during sex because she’s trying to keep her blowdry going before you take the hint.

For a long time, I tried to give her some leeway. The kids were hard work and she was juggling a career. But after a decade of playing second best to the children, I attempted to resurrect things by talking to her about it and making romantic gestures. I tried everything from breakfast in bed at the weekend to surprising her with her favourite candles. None of it worked.

The point that I knew things would never get better, and so stopped trying, was also the point that I started wearing pyjamas to bed every night without fail.

Before, I regularly went to bed naked, in the hopes that we might share a moment – even just a passionate kiss. But when I knew I wanted out of our marriage, I stopped.

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YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW SUDDENLY BECOMES A REGULAR FIXTURE

Mum knew how I was feeling about the sorry state of my marriage long before I was able to articulate things to Sophia – she winkled it out of me. She just knew something wasn’t right.

She actually encouraged me to do all I could to make things work, but knowing that I would probably make a hash of it she decided to pop round to mine and Sophia’s home frequently.

It was a nice effort on her part, but by then it was too late.

YOU DON’T GET CHANGED IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER

Now nearing 50, I’m bald with a paunch. I didn’t kid myself that Sophia found the 40-plus me quite as attractive as she had the 20-something me – but I thought we should still fancy each other.

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After all, despite what many women might think, I loved Sophia’s post-pregnancy curves. I never saw her cellulite or C-section scar as something to be ashamed of, and I often told her I loved her figure.

But a decade into our marriage, she stopped getting changed in front of me. In the mornings, she’d go into the bathroom and lock the door while showering and getting ready for work.

I understood, to an extent, why she did it. She felt vulnerable about her body. But it hurt that she didn’t trust me enough to be vulnerable in front of me. This wasn’t just about a lack of social intimacy, but a lack of emotional intimacy, too. She might not have realised it was gone, but I certainly did. And it meant that I stopped undressing in front of Sophia, too.

We were a bit like housemates, scheduling when we each used the bathroom, so that neither of us surprised the other one in the buff.

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HE’S STOPPED SEEING HIS FRIENDS

As the decades passed, it became clear to me that Sophia’s nights out with her girlfriends were important than date nights with me. From wine-fuelled book clubs to spa weekends, these times were sacred.

By comparison, any time I spent with my male friends was viewed with inherent suspicion, to the extent that I dialled it down to avoid causing a fight. As for spending time together, just the two of us, she always claimed she had something else ‘urgent’ to attend to. In the final throes of our marriage, I can count our ‘date nights’ on one hand.

It meant that I spent time having outings with my sons – football, meals out, the cinema – than I did with either my wife or my previous social circle.

Of course, quality time with your children is important. But becoming parents shouldn’t mean you never hang out together as a couple. And, while the cliche may be that unhappily married men constantly escape down the pub with their mates, in my experience men in happy marriages spend time doing things outside of their relationship than those in troubled ones, because their marriage is secure enough to allow both parties the freedom of a social life.

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If you’ve reached the point where you still have an active social life, but your husband doesn’t see his friends any , then it should be a big red flag that he’s unhappy.

THE ONLY TIME YOU DRESS UP IS FOR WORK

It was always a gut punch to watch my wife get ready for work – she made such an effort. The 30 minutes applying her make-up, the careful use of her straighteners, the sleek wardrobe.

Because the difference between the appearance she cultivated for the outside world and the one for me was stark. Her home wardrobe consisted of tracksuit bottoms and my old T-shirts or, shudder, onesies.

I didn’t expect her to be wearing a party dress at home, but I knew if I ever ‘slobbed out’ she would have commented on it.

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Even on our vanishingly rare date nights, she’d only dress smartly if she was coming straight from work. I once – after multiple hints had been dropped – brought her a sparkly dress for Christmas… but then never saw her wear it. It made me feel like my efforts in buying her something she’d let me know she wanted were for nothing.

HIS BODY HAS BECOME BUFFER

I know what everyone assumes: a midlife man only starts working out in order to impress a younger, hotter woman.

In my case, this couldn’t be further from the truth. My newfound post-work gym habit wasn’t actually about my appearance. Instead, it gave me space to work through my thoughts.

There were too many questioning eyes at home – I couldn’t get the quiet I needed to think. And going to the pub would have just caused upset.

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At first, my ruminations were on things like my career – which I sadly no longer felt I could discuss with Sophia, because she just didn’t seem to care. It helped that the endorphins made me feel better about myself.

But soon it became the place where I took a long hard look at my marriage. I’d wager that many a divorce is mentally planned out in the weights room.

Richard Warner is a pseudonym. All names and identifying details have been changed

As told to Samantha Brick

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