Ive Cut My Mum Off Because I Was Scared For My Childrens Safety… But Now Im Consumed With Guilt. Oh No, Says CAROLINE WEST-MEADS… Heres What You Must Do

QMy dad left when my brother and I were teenagers. He was aggressive and later went off with another woman and had children. After that, he took little interest in us and we lost touch.

Two years later, our mum moved a new man in. He drank and was verbally abusive to me, so I left home in my late teens. Since then, my relationship with my mum has been difficult. I’ve always felt she puts her boyfriend before me, although I love her. Their relationship is miserable and volatile.

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I’m now in my early 30s with a loving husband and two children. My mum longed for a relationship with them, so reluctantly I agreed she could have them for an afternoon, on the condition her boyfriend would be away. When I called, I could hear him shouting at her. I went straight over and took the children home. Furious that she had lied, I told her she would never see them again and I would not speak to her. But I know how unhappy she is. Have I done the right thing?

AI am so sorry for everything you have been through. This is a tragic and deeply complicated situation. So have you done the right thing? Yes – and no.

It is clear that your mother is so badly manipulated and worn down that she is unable to stand up to this man. Your first responsibility is to protect your children, and you are absolutely right not to let them be in an environment where there is shouting, intimidation and emotional abuse.

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However, cutting your mother off completely may also hurt you deeply. You love her, and she is unhappy and trapped in a destructive cycle. You have already lost one parent and it is desperately sad that your mother has not been able to put your needs ahead of this man. She may simply not have been strong enough. Unfortunately people often repeat patterns, so having been badly treated by your father, she was vulnerable to further coercive control.

You have done remarkably well to break free from this and build a loving, stable family of your own. What your mother really needs is support to leave this damaging relationship – something that is extremely difficult and often takes time and several attempts. So do please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) for advice on how to support her while protecting yourself and your children. If your own childhood experiences are resurfacing, The National Association For People Abused In Childhood (napac.org.uk) may also be a valuable source of support.

WILL MY IVF REFUSAL END OUR MARRIAGE?

QMy wife and I are in our mid 40s and over seven years – and three rounds of IVF – have been trying for a baby. I have a son of 15 from an earlier marriage and am resigned to not having children.

However, my wife is begging for one round. We cannot afford attempts, and I can’t bear witnessing my wife’s despair and distress over every period or when each IVF attempt has failed. I think we should try a different way forward. But I fear she will resent me if I say no. I love her deeply and I worry this will break us.

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AYour letter shows deep love and compassion for your wife. After so many attempts it’s understandable she feels heartbroken, but you’re right to acknowledge that continuing may not be the kindest option. By your mid-40s, the chance of IVF succeeding becomes very low and persisting could prolong her grief.

Support from others who understand the loss of motherhood can be invaluable. Organisations such as Fertility Network UK (fertilitynetworkuk.org) offer groups, counselling and online communities that could help her to heal. It may also be worth reflecting on the family you both have in your son. Sometimes recognising the role one already plays in a young person’s life can ease the sense of emptiness. With empathy and support, it’s possible for you to find a path forward together.