Dear Jane,

I raised my son as a single mother and worked two jobs to ensure he didn’t miss out on anything in life.

As a result of those demanding, full-time jobs, I wasn’t around much when he was young. I couldn’t go to school activities and events, but I made sure I went to the plays he was in.

He was a difficult child, prone to mood swings and tantrums and now, at 21, he is at university and suffering from depression.

I found him a therapist but, a few weeks into therapy, he is furious with me and full of all the ways in which I failed him during his childhood.

He sends texts every day about how awful I am and refuses to pick up the phone and talk to me.

I tell him he’s wrong and that I didn’t have a choice. Frankly most of the things he’s throwing at me are incorrect.

I’m exhausted and devastated. I feel like I’m his emotional punching bag and I have no idea how we find a good relationship again.

All I want is to have my sweet son back, but I’m worried that I may be losing him forever.

Sincerely,

Mommy issues

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column

Dear Mommy issues,

I understand how devastating it is to have worked so hard to provide a wonderful life for your son, only for him to see nothing but bad.

It must be frightening to feel that you are losing him and that this therapist is reminding him, or encouraging him, to deal with all the things that have caused him pain, which he is now taking out on you.

It’s hard to hear our kids’ version of their childhood.

As parents, we are all doing the best we can with the tools and the knowledge that we have. But somehow most of us manage to inflict harm, even though it’s the last thing we want.

We are all victims of our own upbringing, and even when we swear not to repeat the mistakes our parents made, we often do.

Your son’s version of his childhood may be entirely different from your narrative, but would you rather be right or be happy? Above all else, would you rather have a loving relationship with your son?

Even if you think everything he believes is wrong, what your son is looking for is to be heard and to be loved – unconditionally.

The way to heal the relationship is not through pride or by demanding he sees things from your perspective, however right you may feel.

Instead, you need to listen to him and apologize. Tell him you love him and ask what he needs from you to make things better.

This will require you to swallow your pride but you must do so in the service of rebuilding a loving, trusting relationship with your son.

Dear Jane,

I love my kids dearly and I have supported them through everything both emotionally and financially.

In fact, I always told them that if they ever need to move home, they could come back and live with us for as long as need be.

But I’m starting to worry that I have babied them too much with that offer – because one of my adult children did just that and now he’s refusing to leave.

My son is in his late twenties and lost his job. As a result, he couldn’t make ends meet and asked if he could live at home until he got back on his feet.

That was a year ago and he’s still living in his childhood bedroom, eating all of our food and has made little effort to find employment.

He says that the job market is bad, that his situation had a negative impact on his mental health, that he’s just waiting it out until his dream role opens up – and as much as I try to be sensitive, I find it all very hard to believe.

Frankly, I don’t think he’s motivated to leave and I’m starting to want to kick him out.

How do I tell him to get serious about moving into his own place again?

Sincerely,

Peeved parent

Dear Peeved parent,

We often do the best we can for our children, wanting to provide them with all the things we missed out on.

Many of us grew up up with strict parents who weren’t very interested in us. They had rules and were uninvolved and, as a result, we had to be on our best behavior.

Maybe as parents we decided to do things differently.

I see many families who pour love and praise on their children but set no boundaries, almost as if they are terrified that their children will love them less if they say ‘No.’

But parenting is a job.

Our job is to both love and guide. Our job is to raise independent, self-sufficient children who will leave our homes and make their way in the world.

So unfortunately, you’re right. You have babied him too much and enabled him.

Allowing him to live at home, rent-free, not contributing, while waiting for his dream job to magically arrive is the unfortunate and unintended consequence of a child who has been helicopter parented.

It is indeed a brutal job market, so I do not advise you turf him out. Rather, you should implement boundaries.

Give him a time frame to move out and, in the meantime, request a contribution to the household. He needs to be a fully-functioning adult, which means he has to find a job, any job, that allows him to start paying for himself.

By all means help him with his resume and support him in his search, but stick to your guns.

This will feel cruel, and you will doubt yourself over and over, but something drastic has to change and you are the only one who can make that happen.

If he hasn’t found a job in the time frame you’ve provided, he needs to leave, even if you must pack up his things.