Dear Jane,

My dad made a despicable request, and my refusal has damaged our relationship almost irreparably.

He is a recent divorcee and is getting married again. It’s not the speed at which he’s moved on that bothers me – it’s the fact that he’s marrying his mistress.

Worse, he expects me to not only attend the wedding but also be a bridesmaid.

My parents got divorced this year after his affair came to light and he proposed almost immediately to the woman he was seeing. I am very close to my mom and, naturally, was angry with my dad and loathed his new bride – refusing to meet her as a result.

That makes his wedding invitation all the more uncomfortable.

But when I declined and explained why, he was heartbroken that his only child had no interest in being involved in his big day.

I know I should forgive him eventually – he is my dad, after all – but I don’t think I’m ready yet. Never mind the fact that it would be the ultimate betrayal to my mom to be such an active participant in their ceremony.

At the same time, I feel a little guilty that I turned it down, since my dad seems so shattered by it, and I can’t help but wonder if I’ll regret my decision to skip his wedding.

Do I put my feelings aside to make him happy, or should I stand my ground?

Sincerely,

Bitter bridesmaid

Dear Bitter bridesmaid,

What a difficult, painful situation.

Infidelity is an enormous betrayal, as much for the children as for the spouse left behind.

It’s natural for you to feel protective about your mother’s feelings, and anger at how your father hurt her. The fact that he immediately proposed to his mistress must feel like adding salt to your wounds.

Now, you’re stuck in a lose-lose scenario.

This is less about forgiveness or putting your feelings aside, and more about the importance of listening to yourself.

When we betray ourselves by trying to appease others, it leads to resentment.

We get into trouble when we allow our brains to overtake our intuition, and if your gut is telling you this is the right choice, stick with it.

You can be open to your feelings changing – after all, this is your father’s partner now, and perhaps time will heal some of the wounds you’re carrying at the moment. But it’s also vital that you honor how you currently feel and take your time.

Forcing forgiveness, or putting on a brave face to attend a wedding you do not want to be part of, will only make things harder for you in the long run.

Your father’s heartbreak is, sadly, the unintended consequence of him having an affair, then instantly proposing to his mistress.

These situations are never without pain, and it is not your job to fix his.

Dear Jane,

My teenage daughter used to be an athlete who maintained an impeccably healthy and balanced diet and regularly exercised but, after an injury, she was forced to quit her sport for good.

The issue is, she has kept eating the same calorie count. She has gained a significant amount of weight as a result and has started eating much more junk food.

At her last check-up even the doctors showed some concern and suggested a meal plan and reintroducing physical activity now that her injury has healed. But the mere mention of her weight made her burst into tears and she was visibly upset the entire car ride home.

I hate to see her so emotionally distraught over the issue, but the truth is, I agree with them. Her weight and eating habits are worrying me.

But I also know what it’s like to have a poor relationship with food, having dealt with disordered eating when I was her age in an effort to stay thin. I would never want her to think about her body the same way I once did about mine.

But at the same time this issue must be addressed for her own health.

Is there a way for me to talk to her about her weight without making her feel bad about herself? Or worse, angry with me?

Sincerely,

In a parenting pickle

Dear In a parenting pickle,

When my daughter was a teenager, she also had a difficult relationship with food and gained a significant amount of weight.

I did what most mothers think is the right thing to do, the thing I suspect you are considering, which was to gently discuss ‘health’ and ‘healthy eating.’

As mothers, we want our daughters to shine. So, when we have dealt with eating disorders ourselves, as I also have, it is enormously painful to see them going through the same thing.

We want to fix it but, as difficult as this is to hear, we are powerless over other people’s behaviors.

The truth is, your daughter will decide to heal her relationship with food only when she’s ready.

If you talk to her about it, she may feel ashamed, which will only shut her down further and drive her to look for solace in food.

I took my daughter to a therapist who specialized in eating disorders, and she asked to speak to me after she saw my daughter.

She advised me to never raise the issue of food, to never show judgment and to let my daughter find her own way.

It took a while – although it was brutal to watch her behavior, to find empty mugs and bowls under her bed – but it happened eventually.

In fact, a couple of years later, my daughter was telling me about her friend who was also struggling with an eating disorder.

‘Her mom is awful,’ my daughter said. ‘She talks about food and healthy eating all the time. She’s the complete opposite of you.’ I felt so relieved that I had followed the guidance from that therapist.

Your daughter has her own journey. Your role is to love and support her, and say nothing whatsoever about food or her weight.

She will find her way – in the time that is right for her.